January 9, 2011

Dear Diary

Salam all.. Well, a few days ago, BENSS organized their Annual Grand Dinner for 2011 and it was great! I wrote a prose for that night. It was supposed to be a song but my keyboard got confiscated so I had to find a substitute for the song - hence, this prose. Since it was a last minute change, I had to come up with a solution to the unrehearsed performance. Thus, I came up with a spontaneous performance where all the actors were chosen randomly and performed on the spot. AGD was great by the way.

I watch it lie there on the bed – breathless, lifeless; yet, I feel nothing. Is it normal? Is it human? – to be looking at it and feel completely nothing? Others seem to be feeling something – at least something. They mourn, they cry, they weep, they (pause and sighs) are not me. I hear them praying for it – kneeling for God’s sympathy, pleading for God’s mercy – but for what? For what? (Pause) Sorry, I should not have asked but I can’t help myself. I probably should be feeling guilty right now but I don’t – I honestly don’t.

I see them carry it to its burial place from the comfort of my car – I don’t bother to participate. The old man who takes care of the place has been digging for hours for its new bed but all I can think of is; hurry up with it. Pink’s “Raise your Glass” is suddenly playing on the radio – a rather inappropriate but oh-so-catchy song. I am so drifted away by it – really sunk, that I never realize that someone is knocking on the window of my car. “What a nuisance”, is what I thought. Apparently, it is already in the ground and they are proceeding with the eulogy, (pause) so? Why bother me? I suppose they want me to join them but why can’t they wait until the song ends? Why? Why? Why? (pause) Sorry, I know I should not be thinking this way but I can’t help myself. Should I feel guilty now? – because I don’t – I honestly don’t.

I wake up with a smile – blissful, knowing that the day I await has come. I wash myself up and get dressed in my best outfit – oh, how I can’t wait! I light up some scented candles, turn on “trois vierges”- my favourite, and adjust the lighting to the most romantic mood – I want the moment to be perfect – it has to. Hence, I take out a piece of paper and write:

I will die soon -
very soon,
die the most beautiful death -
the death of an angel,
though, angel’s death is far from mine,
I will die soon -
very soon,
die at my own hand,
at my own will,
at my own desire,
so do not feel sorry for me,
because I go there a winner –
the most beautiful winner,
with the most beautiful noose,
I will die.

DAY -14
I was there when the doctor announced he only had 2 weeks to live. Yet, I felt nothing – Nothing at all. Was I supposed to be heartbroken? Was I supposed to be grieving? Was I supposed to be in a lugubrious cry? Because I wasn’t, not at all – but, wait, I did feel something – I felt disgusted, DISGUSTED! - I felt aghast and appalled to see him lying on the hospital bed. To be dying in such a disgusting way, to be dying in such a pathetic way - I never want die that way, NEVER! Yes, he is my father but what could I do if I felt disgusted of him? (Pause) Sorry, I didn’t think it was appropriate of me to be feeling like that. Yet, I didn’t feel guilty - I honestly didn’t, (pause) so I made the decision to throw the most beautiful death of all time. After the day ‘it’ is buried, I will die. I will die the most beautiful and honorable way. I shouldn’t be thinking like this right? Well, who cares? I don’t feel guilty – I honestly don’t.

Random pictures from the AGD which include me! hahaha