November 20, 2010

"Saya Budak Gemok" - I'm a Fat Boy

I think this is the first 'official' true story about me =,= enjoy!

It was when I was 11 that I first realized that I have become a ‘budak gemok’, a tubby, a fattie, an ugly boy. Initially, being fat did not bother me - most probably because I was still a kid and appearance did not really matter much back then. However, when I entered ‘sekolah menengah rendah’ or middle school, I began to feel uneasy with my look. While I may look happy and carefree all the time, I was really emotionally depressed – I hated the way I look, I hated the way people look at me, I hated myself. No one knew or cared about the state of my mind at that time but honestly, I don’t blame them because I myself didn’t show any dissatisfaction about my body – most probably because I was ashamed that I was ashamed of myself.

It was after my 14th birthday that I decided to lose weight for real. I tried all the diet routines but I couldn’t really follow because I was always hungry - failure. I tried cardio-exercising but it became half-baked efforts since I was never into physical activities - failure. I even tried getting myself into sports but that was even more ridiculous and of course, to no avail - failure. At that point, I felt like a real sore LOSER – a BIG FAT UGLY LOSER who can’t do anything right. My self-esteem was zero. With additional ‘moral supports’ from people around me saying things like ‘gemok’, ‘tembon’, ‘tembam’ which all means fat, my self esteem dropped from 0 to -273.15.

“Salvation” came knocking when one day; I ate so much that I needed to vomit. Yes, I really needed to vomit. Don’t get me wrong; I always overate to the point that I felt like vomiting but this time, it was beyond only feeling like vomiting – I actually went to the toilet and vomited. After that incident, every time I felt the slightest need to vomit, I would force myself to vomit. It came to a point that feeling full became a reason for me to vomit. The decreasing reading on the weighing scale became a motivation for me to keep on doing the thing I felt right – my conscience was fooled; my foolish act was justified.

After a few weeks, the rate of my weight loss started to decrease and I was panicking. From around 1 or 2kg per week, the weight loss was becoming less than 1kg per week – and that was when I started starving myself. As far as I remembered, if there was no weight loss, I would eat so little until my weight really dropped – and when I say ‘eat so little’, I mean to a point where I would eat a piece of bread and some veggies a day; and starvation usually lasted 2 or 3 days. After some times, I couldn’t keep up anymore with all my ‘weight loss plans’ – I was always hungry, I was constantly tired and I was never satisfied with my weight loss.

Yet, I still keep myself strong and tried to find new supplements to my weight loss routine. The supplements include eating acidic food, cutting down carbohydrates and of course, abusing laxatives. Yes, I was also involved in the notorious act of laxative abuse – yeah! During the weekends, I would steal some of sister’s so-called herbal tea which acts exactly like laxatives and spend most of my time in the toilet. I was so happy that I found ways to make myself thinner that I never realized how stupid and dangerous all the things I was doing were, especially laxative abuse.

Eventually, one day, I got caught. I can’t really recall who saw me vomiting that day but that person told my brother what I was doing and he told me that I was having a psychological problem. Psychological problem? I didn’t believe him, or to be exact, I didn’t want to believe him but still, I looked up about the whole psycho thing and found out that he was right – I was bulimic. I wanted to believe that I was losing weight the right way but the evidences were too clear and hence, I had to admit my mistakes and change my ways.

Surprisingly, it was really easy. I found a new diet routine - high-protein diet. The diet was really easy to follow since I still get to eat my favourites. However, as time passes by, I slowly began to forget controlling my diet. I am now getting fatter and fatter and it really should stop! I will try to lose weight again and this time, I’ll practice the right way from the start. I really don’t want to be ‘budak gemok’ anymore.

I did not write this post so that more people will try what I did - I don't deny, it worked but it's dangerous people. I've written this post so that those who are practicing bulimic acts like I used to will know when to stop.

p/s: this picture is really 'xleh blah' :P


  1. I should take down some notes for this one!

    I seriously never thought that u were fat once, acap -.- and are u really gaining weight back??

  2. ya lar
    it's not THAT visible but seriously, i'm gaining weight

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. Nak Kawan Ngan BojanNovember 24, 2010 at 8:57 AM

    wehh..brapa tinggi ang skang?

  5. tggi? 167 kot
    eh2.. nice nick.. haha..

  6. Nak Kawan Ngan BojanNovember 26, 2010 at 9:14 AM

    167? whoa..boleh than kott..haha..klaw kurus,tp pendek tk hnsem jugakk..haha..ang dh ideal..jgn dok gatai tmbah berat..nnti ang kena saman ngan bojan..

  7. omg, i like this. maybe i should give sum of these tips to my dad ...

  8. budusss...ak sman nnti!!!...
    P/S: srap, ptot pn cpat gla...trun brat...
    ermm...nk tips tmbah brat bdan ada x??...:D

  9. hoi2
    hat ni pn bkn tips lah

  10. although cara dia agak x btui,but it's indeed inspiring...
    ; ))